FLASHBACK entry: July 9, 2011

Intro: I realized today that my “journal” entries from our first three days of finding out were on the iPad but that I had never posted them. I found them today and decided to post them. I can’t backdate – as far as I know – so they are just posted with today’s date as three flashback entries. They are verbatim from what I wrote then and I didn’t tone them down, as they are accurate to that moment. I am so glad to no longer be feeling the devastation or anger that the entries reflect and finding them today really emphasized for me how normal this has all become and how surmountable it also feels. Entry follows:

Jul 9, 2011
Today I was told my baby girl has leukemia. Nooooooooooo! She is 3 years and 5 mo old and this just CAN’T be true! Dr. Brown from our pedi office called as we were coming back from the pool. We were still on the front steps , not even in the door, and the news dropped me. She said straight out that Lenox’s bloodwork from her well child ( checking for iron deficiency or anemia) showed she had leukemia and a pediatric oncologist was waiting for us at Dell children’s hospital as we spoke. She was so apologetic b/c she isn’t our doctor and said she hated to have to give us the news when we didn’t even know her. I just can’t even describe the devastation that call evoked. She said be prepared to be admitted. Liz and I sobbed as we urgently packed a bag. The doctor here at Dell said Lenox will need a spinal tap and bone marrow biopsy to formally diagnose and ID what type of leukemia and that will be Monday morning. Her blood readings though indicate 99% liklihood of leukemia. She is so confident that Lenox has leukemia that when we go in for the tap and biopsy, which require anesthesia, they are also putting in a porta-catheter. They will get the official results back Monday afternoon and then may start treatment as soon as Monday night. They said she will likely be here at least a week and then the next 28 days will be really rough intensive chemotherapy and then treatment the next 6 months. She can’t attend school for 6 months either. I am so overwhelmed at the idea of the pain she is going to go through. I don’t see how any parent can endure watching their baby in pain or discomfort;and knowing it will be the case for 6 months is just unfathomable. I alternate between dealing with the facts and tasks and feeling to floored to function – between cold emotionless paralysis and excruciating fear for Lenox. I have never ever loved a person as I do Lenox and she and I are oddly close – I really think I won’t survive if we can’t beat this. It’s just too much to grasp – from the emotions to the stats and science, to fmla and leave, and Jonah and then it’s just not possible to speak to family without a total sobbing breakdown. Lenox is sooooooo amazingly stoic – we told her her “blood was sick and we would stay here like it is a hotel so they can make her blood well. She has been so brave and even interested in what they do to her. She was so upset about the IV going in and cried and said it hurt for about 30 mins but then seemed to just be more curious and gentle with it and less in discomfort. I know in another day or so she will be so done with this place and I dread when she asks if she can go home. This is going to be so much worse before it can get better. I think I am going to go to bed – after this longest day of my life so far – and see if it was all a horrid evil mix- up. It must be right? It just cannot be that our Lenox had leukemia. Just no!