FLASHBACK entry: July 10, 2011

17 Nov

Intro (repeat): I realized today that my “journal” entries from our first three days of finding out were on the iPad but that I had never posted them. I found them today and decided to post them. I can’t backdate – as far as I know – so they are just posted with today’s date as three flashback entries. They are verbatim from what I wrote then and I didn’t tone them down, as they are accurate to that moment. I am so glad to no longer be feeling the devastation or anger that the entries reflect and finding them today really emphasized for me how normal this has all become and how surmountable it also feels. Entry follows:

Jul 10
Lenox had her first blood transfusion today and platelets. They told us during the day today that she would go in at 8 am tomorrow under anesthesia for the marrow biopsy, spinal tap to see if it’s in her spine, place a porta cath and they said also to do a chemotherapy treatment in her spine. Until the biopsy we don’t know enough details to start treatment. After her platelets she got a fever up to 103.9 so they needed to take a blood culture. They couldn’t do it via her IV tube b/ c it cant be assured of it’s sterility. They also don’t know b/ c of the fever whether we will still be able to do the procedure tomorrow. Hate not knowing. My greatest fear as a parent has always been seeing her in pain and today it happened. They tried to take her culture and it wasn’t working. The first guy dug and dug into her arm looking for a vein and even the second time when it worked they had to dig. She was in so much pain – her eyes rolled around in fear and pain and panic. She kept screaming that it hurts and ” i need a bandaid”. It was so grueling and heartbreaking to watch. I held her and soothed her and tried to be calm but inside I was screaming! I totally lost it afterwards by myself – parents should just Never Ever have to go through that. Afterwards as she was calmer but very subdued I asked her how she felt -sad, mad, blah – and OMG she said ” I am happy”. How stoic and brave – how could she feel that way? I love her so much. Felt bad today too b/ c she wanted to leave so badly at one point and sat down and cried to leave the hospital. Fuck, shit, omg my poor, sweet fab baby! Why her!

Carly, grace and rose came today. Grace totally uplifted Lenox. Thankful! Also Chris G. came and got jones – thank god don’t have to be worrying about him.

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