Things I love…

Things I love…

So like every mother, there are some things I just LOVE. I know many of these are Liz’s too and she no doubt feels the same way about them (and I am sure has some other special ones of her own). Since Lenox’s diagnosis some are more intense for me than ever or more cherished – they overwhelm me these days and here are a few..

* Holding my baby – we hold her more now than any time since she started walking, so my arms have stepped up to the task, whether holding her with her head in my lap for hours on the couch or carrying her from spot to spot – I love her nearness.
* Smelling her head and skin and breath – I have always loved sniffing her; now the chemo drugs make her smell different. I smell her in curiosity and love and to watch for changes. I sniff at her because I can’t keep from doing so.
* Holding her toes – now they are sometimes clammy or dry. As always I just want to hold them in my hands and sometimes when she is sleeping I do just that.
* Feeling her sweaty little neck – and now we blow on it to ease her discomfort and irritation.
* Listening to her sleepy little grunts and sleep talk, having her nestle up against me in sleep as though she just can’t get close enough, and then cling to me in a tight unrelenting hug still while not waking up – more cherished than ever and I can’t help but evaluate her clamminess, her temperature and even listen to her tummy sounds. How is my baby?
* Brushing her hair – before we brushed it so it could “grow like Rapunzel’s” and now I comb it several times a day to get the loose hairs out so they don’t itch her as they gradually all fall out.
* Hearing her really giggle hard – this happens less often these days making it so much more wonderful to hear and I like finding out what triggered it – what so tickled her funny bone?
* Listening to her make up silly songs – content varies but she is so smart. Her rhymes and lyrics never cease to impress me.
* Her telling me she loves me “this much” and holding her arms open as wide as they will go.
* Her generosity – “mommy I will get you that bracelet, ok? I will make sure you have it.” Moments later followed by “Hay LaLa get that bracelet for mommy ok. Can you do it now?”

The list just goes on and on – I love her awful little tirades, I love her queso fixations, I love her attachment to certain outfits (and corollary dislike of others), her pride in her accomplishments, her independence (often inexplicably followed promptly by total dependence), her ‘roid rages (which I think she had sometimes pre-steroids too). I love her contrition when she has upset me or LaLa, I love that…. On and on and on I could go…. Like every mother could.

And while I really, really don’t love that she has leukemia or the horrible drugs that will need to run through her body to fight it off, I LOVE this sassy imperfectly perfect child and LOVE that she, and we as a family, have the love strength and support to beat this! No other option is acceptable!